MER

2012-02-09T08:02:00.001-06:00

be in a relationship where you make an agreement to learn about love.

Anthony is checking your reaction just to know that he's alive..

2012-01-20T07:01:00.003-06:00

"I continue to believe that no one knows what the hell they are doing."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I just said what."

"I don't know. It's like people ain't livin'. They are just going around pressing buttons constantly checking to see if they are alive."

"Ok."

"I mean they are being assholes or being overly nice and checking your reaction. They're running around doin' this shit all day."

"You think?"

"With both things they don't give a real shit about you."

"I thought they did."

"They don't mean to hurt your feelings."

Anthony is wondering why you are reading that book.

2012-01-08T11:21:00.004-06:00

"Why are people reading books on the train?"

"I'm sure you're going to tell me why?"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"It's just these placid faces. It's these dead stares they have. They are sitting still and reading these books."

"I would do the same on a moving train."

"It's just a deadness. I want to ask them why they are reading what they are reading and why. I can see it's fiction, I can see that most of it is action."

"What is so interesting about people reading books on a train? Seems pretty normal don't you think."

"I don't think it is in this case. I can feel that it's different on this train ride."

"Ok."

"It is as if they are reading about lives that intensely better than themselves."

"Yeah."

"But they know it. They realize this."

"Yeah

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"I don't know. I just can't imagine someone reading about our life."

Nicholas wants to disappear

2012-01-04T18:07:00.006-06:00

"The only fucking thing I want is peace. I'm not saying this because it's cool to say or it's some spiritual proclamation."

"I didn't say anything.

"I know you didn't"

"Ok."

"I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be seen at all. if I pick something up. If I admire something, I have just gave away my position. I have just open myself up to ridicule, manipulation, hate. Venomous shit."

"What are we talking about here."

"I don't know. I mean we are talking about surrender and disappearance. Or just standing there. Just standing there, when someone is looking you over for anything they can use against you. Whatever your favorite thing is, the things you covet. The position you want to hold. Give all of that shit up."

"Ok"

"I found I don't even want it. I found I want it because they want it. I can give a shit about it really. The only thing I want is peace and quiet. I just want to hear myself not think."

"Ah."

"Yes."

"Giving it up makes you almost disappear right in front of them. I don't want it."

"Do you want that chocolate crawler?"

William needs the process.

2012-01-02T17:40:00.002-06:00

"I think they like the drive there."

"What?"

"I think they live for the travel."

"You preach about that all the time."

"I do."

"What?"

"I know I do. We have agreed that there is something there. We know that there is something precious about the process."

"Ok."

"Both of us want it. One wants to rip the page out, chew and then swallow it. They don't want you to see it. They don't want you to be alone with it. The other person needs to sit with it--be alone with it. Needs to own it."

"What?"

"One of them knows there is no process. They need to keep it a secret till they get comfortable"

Anthony at the sea.

2011-12-24T07:50:00.005-06:00

"Its a tight grip."

"What is?"

"Some of my friends have this damn tight grip on their life. You can see it in their face when I'm sitting with them."

"Where?"

"I don't know anywhere."

"Here?"

"I don't come here."

"Ok."

"They are sitting there, trying to relax but instead going back and forth from victim to hood. They have this fucking white knuckle grip on their life that has their heart beating so fast. They look frazzled and distant. They look disheveled and spacey and can't see it."

"I know disheveled."

"I should be a mirror."

"What?"

"I feel like I'm sitting on rocks at rough fucking seas. I can see the possibilities of calmness though. In my mind I can feel the serenity, but right now the shit is lapping, it's getting on my pant legs."

"What is it again?"

"It's this grip. They have to let go of."

"They don't have to do anything."

"No, they don't have to do anything.

"Right."

"Depending on what's currently going on in their lives their grip is the cause of it. That tight anxiety filled grip."

2011-12-23T17:10:00.003-06:00

"Whatever is needed, it is arising spontaneously to meet whatever the needs of the moment are."

mooji

Slowie doesn't want your life.

2011-12-14T20:43:00.005-06:00

"I don't want their lives."

"What?"

"I just don't want their lives."

"Ok."

"I just found that I listened to a whole lot of bullshit just to get to what I wanted--that sensation. That fucking orgasm. I listened to their damn politics and religion and other shit, just so I could feel good. And you know what?"

"I can't say that I do."

"When I finally snapped out of it. When I was finally done with my desire for them, or their shit became so overwhelming I found I didn't like their life. I wasn't comparable to them. I didn't like their toilet paper from CVS or that book bag they carried or the way they sat or walked."

"Your down in the marrow."

"I found that our entire interaction was based my addiction to feeling fucking good. It was like the only one hearing the dog whistle."

"Dog does come into play."

"What?"

"But your transient though, right?"

"Yeah, I like to come and go. But not when I want to play the game of a relationship. Not when I want to be somewhat serious. Not when I want to pretend that I have a boyfriend when my friends are around or I need someone on my arm for the season. I want that to be someone that is a little more. But I see that is a rouse. I see it again comes down to my addiction to feeling fucking good. Like peanut brittle on a Saturday afternoon."

"You don't eat that."

"I do."

"Sir Francis from Dean & Deluca?"

"Judy's"

"Ok."

"I don't want their lives because they belong to someone else. I could've figured this out early on but I didn't give a shit in the beginning of the relationship."

"Because you were addicted to feeling fucking good."

"Yeah. I was."

William is now free of contradictions.

2011-12-07T09:53:00.003-06:00

"There are so many contradictions when I get out of the now."

"The what?"

"The now. The moments before you start driving that life bus."

"Right, ok."

"You don't know what I'm talking about."

"I do."

"God, I can make some statement about what I don't like or do like at 8 in the morning that turns into the direct opposite by 1 pm. I am constantly unsure throughout the day. It's insanity and based on the next commercial I see."

"Commercial?"

"Just showing how easily a so called philosophy can change."

"I guess."

"You don't know what I'm talking about."

"I do."

"Even those who are stubborn. People who like to give off that 'they are the same assholes for years', but in their head their philosophy is changing, but because they fear what people will think--the perception of others, they play the tape of their usual behavior. They are generally trapped."

"Maybe so."

"The trick is realizing that your fucked up. Your insane. You're a freeway full of daily contradictions, and the direction you get right now saves you."

William is out on that road.

2011-11-26T16:22:00.002-06:00

"I just think with everything that's goin' on people just need a hug."

"What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"I don't know."

"I see people as a little lonely."

"Little?"

"I feel everything we are doing is looking for some sort of connection, no matter how distant it first seems."

"What do you mean?"

"Especially those that are wrapped up in their work, those who have used the pursuit of knowledge as a ruse. I just can't help but think that. I just see it."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I just think a lot of people are sad. They know what they are looking for, but they just don't have a clue about the means. It's like they are driving without a map."

"Are you talking about yourself?"

"I am in a way. Least I'm aware of it I guess. Least I'm aware that I have been painfully confused. Lost in the stink of life, all while looking for just a little something beautiful. Just a little till it can turn into something bigger. Everything that I do is looking for acceptance. Looking to be back at what's finally familiar."

"Nothing here is familiar?"

"Nothing. Only when something on the outside sparks me in the right direction on the inside."

"Right."

"Connecting. Finally connecting is what a million different directions is doing just looking for one."

William is afraid.

2011-11-14T14:07:00.003-06:00

"Only go with what's moving"

"What?"

"I got to go with what is moving on its own in my life. I cant try building cities."

"I think it would be tough to build a city."

"I only want to serve what's moving. I don't give a shit if it's negative. If it it is the only thing raising its hand in my life I want to give it attention."

"Negative?"

"Well if it is negative giving it attention--not ignoring it-- will eventually make it positive anyway."

"You can't be serious."

"I'm serious."

"OK."

"I'm tired of trying to create stuff. Scared of what pops up."

"What pops up?"

"Stuff. Things on their own. Anything that opens up in my life on it's own should be what gets all of my attention."

"What about the ladies?"

"What?"

"Nothin'"

"What?"

"So things in your life moves on it's own?"

"Yes. You can't hear it because you are afraid of the silence. You got to build as a distraction. You have to run out and create a diversion."

"I'm not afraid."

"I am. I'm afraid to act on my own. I will only serve what comes up."

"Ok."

"Then I can be absolutely sure."

Anthony is in charge.

2011-11-08T17:12:00.006-06:00

"Goddamn."

"What?"

"My success inside a relationship is based on how honest I am."

"To me that is a rumor."

"Ah it's the truth."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"What does it mean?"

"It means I am in charge with how successful my relationship is going to be based on how honest and transparent I become. Increasing it means success."

"I will have to think about that."

"What?"

"Because it sounds like crazy talk. The kind of shit that will get your ass killed around here."

"I'm in charge of my own happiness. What more can I say."

"Ok."

"I have to be forthcoming. There are no books to read or no workshops to attend. I have to come clean and things will improve immensely."

"Like it's possible."

"It's possible."

2011-10-31T19:25:00.000-05:00

You are drawn to people who give you an opportunity to play out a role that has value for you. It may be comfortable or uncomfortable, but it’s a role you value. You avoid people when you find yourself falling into a role you don’t want to play anymore. And you “outgrow” a relationship when you no longer want to play the role or roles you play in that relationship. In ego, there is no way to avoid the past.

William invites the uneasy in for lunch.

2011-10-30T09:40:00.004-05:00

"I like looking for the uneasy. I invite it in."

"In your food?"

"No. When something makes me quaver; when something makes me uncomfortable I try not to spend time looking for ways to distract myself from it. I am almost initially exicited about the answer that could be hidden in it."

"Even though it is making you uncomfortable?"

"Yes."

"OK."

"It's like a clue."

"A clue?"

"Yes a clue. Can't you see that?"

"What?"

"What makes you uncomfortable is a clue that maybe you need to look at it closer."

"At solving it."

"Yes."

"OK."

"But you run out of it, don't you?"

"I work the problem."

"You resolve it right?"

"I get it resolved."

"You quickly move it out of your way. You through money at it, you make calls. You get through it with your ears and eyes closed."

"I do."

"I look at it. I stop and know that it is much more important than running through it."

"You're special arn't you?"

"I'm not."

"You are and it's not just your hat."

"The things that rise up and make me directly uncomfortable just gets me a little excited, you know?"

"Like cheveux noirs et courts."

"I feel special."

"I knew it."

"I feel like this is just for me. I look at how my heart is beating. This is just for me. How I handle it, how I calmly digest it, it turns into nothing terrible but something much more enjoyable."

"Huh?"

"What's uncomfortable, becomes much more rewarding if I just invite it in."

"Good afternoon."

Slowie doesn't want victimization by Hasbro.

2011-10-25T21:09:00.004-05:00

"I struggle when all of my toys are taken away."

"What do you mean?"

"You always ask that."

"Yeah."

"I'm just like you who loves to marinate--bask, rather in victimization. I want to use it at a drop of a hat to further conceptualize my need for attention during someone else s need for clarity in a moment."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Of course I could be doing the same thing--at said moment, then we could easily cancel each other out."

"Well yeah, that is the case in all of my relationships, but what happens when you are aware of this while it is going on?"

"You bury it like a good Lutheran."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I don't have anything else to do."

"Huh?"

"Self mutilation is my only past time."

"Harakiri. Yes. It is what brings all the boys to the yard. I play the victimization card because I like reminding people that I'm valuable. If they buy into my performance it can add fucked up years to an already fucked up relationship. Of course this is if I can't accuse someone of something either passively or with super strength. But I do use victimization as a last resort."

"I'm thinking you should stop talking."

"Yeah. Maybe. So I can see that you hate me...you hate me right? You're right I'm all fucked up. I don't know what's going on with me, I'm sorry."

"I don't hate you. I mean ...oh whatever."

"What?"

"You will struggle like me when you take away all of your little toys."

2011-10-07T14:17:00.001-05:00

GALVIN
We're going to lose. A beat. Galvin looks out the window and then looks back to Laura. GALVIN Do you think it's my fault? LAURA Isn't there something you... GALVIN That's not the question. It's over. (beat) Do you think that it's my fault? If I'd... if I'd... I never should have taken it. There was no way that I was going to win. LAURA You're talking like a drunk. GALVIN That's what I am. Beat. LAURA And it's over...? GALVIN Yes. LAURA Well, then what are you doing here? GALVIN I... do you want me to leave? LAURA You do what you want. You want to leave... You want to go kill yourself? GALVIN I... LAURA You want me to tell you it's your fault? It probably is. What are you going to do about it? (beat) I thought it's not over till the jury comes in. GALVIN Who told you that? LAURA You told me so. Maybe you'd get some sympathy. You came to the wrong place. GALVIN And what makes you so tough? LAURA Maybe I'll tell you later. GALVIN Is there going to be a later...? LAURA Not if you don't grow up... GALVIN If I don't 'grow up...' LAURA You're like a kid, you're coming in here like it's Saturday night, you want me to say that you've got a fever -- you don't have to go to school... GALVIN (shakes head sadly) You, you don't under... LAURA Oh, yes, I do, Joe. Believe me. You say you're going to lose. Is it my fault? Listen! The damned case doesn't start until tomorrow and already it's over for you! GALVIN It's over! LAURA What is your wife's picture doing by the side of your... GALVIN What is that to you...? LAURA What would you like it to be to me...? I, I, I can't invest in failure.

2011-10-06T10:49:00.004-05:00

"We really don't know who people are, what things and situations are for, why we are here or how to correct things. Truly a great gift is the humility to say and mean, 'I wish to be comfortable with not knowing.' The second we surrender our limited experience of knowing, we are instantly relieved of our burden."

William doesn't like his personal space.

2011-10-05T07:42:00.004-05:00

"I don't know what space is for."

"What?"

"Space."

"You mean final frontier space?"

"No. I mean when I needed it in my life."

"Time to yourself?"

"I tried to protect it vehemently. I created relationships around it."

"What do you mean?"

"By making sure the relationships I had were in conjunction with the 'need for space' mentality."

"What?"

"People who needed space as well."

"I'm spacing out."

"What?"

"That shit is only natural that people will need down time."

"Sure, but this shit can not be architected. What I discovered is that, this is already built into relationships where you seemingly have no space."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying it."

"I don't think so."

"Space or down time is mythological. The whole relationship is your life; the space or down time I found wasn't as valuable as I thought. I wasn't really protecting anything that was productive. In most cases I sat around holding an empty block of time just for the principle of it."

"You don't just go to the museum by yourself huh?"

"Like you go to the museum."

"Well."

"You're always here."

"You're right. I'm just sayin'."

"Alone time allows me to get a better perspective on what is happening in my life, even if it's walking through the museum or taking a personal trip. But what I'm saying is it should not be cordoned off. It should not be considered a personal life within a personal life. There are no personal lives. You have one life, and you open yourself to allow the light of this life and all of its experiences to shine everywhere. Your down time is there to boost further commitment to the fact that all your life is a cabaret. All of it is open to interpretation."

"I like eating here alone."

"I know you do, and it has served us well."

2011-10-03T15:55:00.002-05:00

One of the fastest ways to surrender is to accept reality as it presents itself--not to deny or resist it, because if we do, we are in conflict with ourselves and the Unified Will. We waste so much energy on defending, denying, and resisting What Is. Instead we could soften our resistance and invite the situation to teach us and lead us to what we really want. Any challenge we perceive is purely a vehicle to learn more about who we are and about our Purpose.

2011-09-30T20:36:00.008-05:00

"If only we knew without any doubt that reality as it presents itself is not our concern. Our concern is to recognize and trust that reality is a means through which we can awaken.

Reality, when seen correctly, is a here and now gift through which we will undo all blocks to the awareness of Love's presence."

take me to truth

William wants to control everything from right here.

2011-09-30T08:05:00.005-05:00

"I want to control everything from right here."

"You mean these calories?"

"No."

"You were looking at your plate."

"I wasn't."

"OK."

"I'm doing so much. I'm holding so many things together."

"What?"

"I'm working my life."

"Doesn't that make sense?"

"What?"

"You act as if....I don't know..."

"I'm supposed to work it."

"Yeah."

"Is there anything wrong with trying to figure out what the hell is going on? Or how I can get it right?"

"Get what right?"

"This life. How can I make it work."

"It's working. You have a roof over your head....you have almost all of your teeth."

"It's not working. Don't for one moment think this life is working, there is anguish in people's lives. There is pain. There is tons of uncertainty."

"I can guess that."

"I feel like it's only working because I have to work it."

"That's the point."

"It's a working that's grimy, bemired. You know? It's a working that just pays the interest, never the principle. A totally useless kind of living."

"You act as if there is a plan B. Well I guess you could go live on a mountain and count birds."

"That's not a plan B. That's more of the same if I'm not attracted to it. I'm attracted to being here."

"With me today."

"Right. I have to figure it out here."

"Figure what out?"

"Have you been listening? You don't have to do anything but sit there and wait for your warm glass of milk. I'm talking about me. This isn't enough. Paying the interest, paying with malaise. I want to control things from the already. From right here I'm not working. From here I control the results. I'm driving."

"You are insane."

"Yeah, but do you know for sure that you're not."

"Maybe, but least I got more friends."

William wants to say something from a better place.

2011-09-25T08:47:00.003-05:00

"She needs projection as comfort."

"What?"

"She needs you to complain, interrogate. She needs you to be more than irritated for her to feel at home."

"I don't think that's the case."

"It's the case. Being contemplative, accountable about your thoughts is just not right for her. She needs a left hook with words as if it was her favorite blanket that she curled up on the couch with."

"You can't be serious."

"I can be."

"OK."

"It doubles for compassion. It is like touch. It is how people see."

"See what?"

"Well it allows people to get from one moment to next. It can be a tiny comfort till they get to the next painful moment."

"What do you think?"

"I don't want to throw a fucked up life preserver. I want to hold my assault. I want to wait till I make sense."

"This will piss people off."

"What?"

"That quiet."

"I want to wait till I am inspired to be more compassionate in thought. What I say has to come from a better place."

"Is it that easy?"

"No. It's easier to throw out the fucked up life preserver. The one with holes in it. The one that floats you off towards the next fucked up situation."

"OK."

"I just want what I have to say to come from a better place."

William is looking for the hard way out.

2011-09-22T07:41:00.007-05:00

"I figure that trying to put it together is the problem."

"What?"

"Putting it all together."

"Putting what together?"

"That thing."

"What?"

"These pieces do not go together. Least they don't go together perfectly--nowhere near perfect, matter of fact. They finally fit together like round pegs in square holes and then it somehow works without your help at all."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well our job is to stay out of the way. That is doing something, now that I think about it."

"What?"

"I'm talking about what goes on in our life. It seems to be floating all around me, like huge pieces of a puzzles that seem to automatically get me involved in trying to piece them together."

"Makes sense."

"You know what's interesting? The pieces all fit. They all join, but that's the fucking problem, they are not suppose to. Chaos is really what's there, and needs to be navigated by you not trying to piece it together. Your effort fucks it up."

"That makes sense."

"It does?"

"No."

"I feel set up when I go back in there and try working a so called problem in my day. I do my thing of thinking about something, sizing up the problem and reaching a resolution that will allow me to be comfortable for a few hours until something else bothers me, or that puzzle comes undone. The pieces of my life that fit together is smoke and mirrors. It's a fucking joke. Don't you understand?"

"Huh?"

"When it really works the pieces of my life will come together in a way that looks incongruent to the naked eye. Outsiders will not be able to see how that is going to come together, and will file you away as an idiot. They will have no choice but to think your methods are insane. They will see that what makes sense to the naked eye fits, and will even try to fit it together themselves, because people love easy puzzles."

"What is my method?"

"Your method is to not do anything right away. The doing something is the problem. You will see pieces that work perfectly together and you shouldn't do a damn thing. You should sit on your hands. As you wait beyond the so called easy answers that appears; the ones people will scream you take. The real answers will begin to materialized if you wait. They will be ushered by your gut feeling. They will be undeniable. Your method is to try this next thing."

"You're always looking for the hard way out."

"It eventually becomes the easy way."

Lanvin trusts joy.

2011-09-09T17:28:00.009-05:00

"I trust joy."

"Ok."

"While most people just like staying on the ground."

"Should I even ask?"

"God, it is so much easier. Just afraid of getting up in the air."

"What do you mean?"

"We like being racked. We like being really really close to suffering so we don't have far to go as we roll out the appointment book of our day. No need to fall in shit when we are in it. Joy is what we are really so uncomfortable with. It is where anxiety gets all over our ass. We are paranoid. A luxury of the spirit makes us increasingly nervous."

"Life is suffering I heard somewhere."

"Life is purging. It is cleansing"

"I need to take a bath."

"Staying in the air is tough. Staying there, in things that are going very right and not feeling guilty is tough"

"What?"

"I know, right? But jubilance is the enemy--you see. It is what can keep you up at night. It is unknown and unpredictable. Joy wrecks us, because we feel ill prepared and undeserving, but the craziest thing is, there are many more moments of it than suffering. The only reason there appears to be more pain is because of our continued resistance to joyful moments."

"So you say I like the ground"

"You like the ground. You hug it. I hug it at times. We don't have too far to fall, things could be worse, but we are always close to it"

"Maybe so"

"Peace and joy is much more common though."

"Ha."

"It is."

"Ok."

"You don't believe me?"

"I just like that you believe it."

"I just trust Joy."

Nicholas isn't just looking cute.

2011-09-07T20:32:00.003-05:00

"You have to get your hands dirty."

"What?"

"You have to get your hands dirty when it comes to life. You have to get down in there. You have to stop looking cute."

"What?"

"You can't sunglass your way. You can't sarcast your way through life. You can't hide."

"Sarcast?"

"Or witty your way."

"What?"

"You have to participate. You have to show up. I mean...this is what I discovered."

"Huh?"

"I'm just saying."

Anthony is stuck in the world wide web."

2011-08-24T09:15:00.004-05:00

"I have to speed up."

"What?"

"There's too much going on. I can't think."

"About what?"

"I take that back. I don't want to think."

"Seems like you're not right now."

"I see now that I have to speed up my actions to get ahead of my thoughts. I can't be alone."

"Well the internet is my thoughts. A mass of clicking hysteria."

"I think there will be things I take slow and there will be things I need to speed up so I don't get stuck on a page in the internet in my head."

"Of course."

"Right."

William needs to be invaded.

2011-08-17T21:42:00.011-05:00

"I wanted to know the intimacy within the intimacy."

"I just don't know if I can do this today."

"There is an intimacy that we have forgot.

"As you wish."

"There is this place where you are saving...a place guided by sex or surprise or whatever. There is this place where you are coveting something that you think no one can have, but you don't know nothing about this place until it has been breached."

"I know it. I mean I don't have a clue what you are talking about."

"You don't know it until you have been invaded. All of you. God you have poorly protected yourself so much. Look at you..."

"I can't my eyes don't roll back."

"You have become a drunk because of it. Whatever it takes to keep people and much needed experiences at bay. You are afraid of yourself.

"I drink to know that I am alive."

"Really?"

"Also because I like schnapps."

"But you are becoming insane. I should say I have. Watching that door and fooling people with conversation that doesn't mean anything."

"You seem sure today."

"I'm going insane by being defensive. I am always on the defensive and my clothes are getting worn because of it; torn and haggard. My health has waned. I say things to people I can't believe. My mood a foggy undulation. I'm getting beat down and I'm tired. I have to be invaded. It just seems like the last thing I haven't tried. Submission. Give in to whatever it is."

"Again you seem sure."

"It just feels like me. It doesn't even feel like there is anything out there."

"Ok."

"I'm just tired. There is this intimacy that is hidden in what we think is intimate, right? It is the drop of a huge roller coaster. It is that moment in the air when have no more control. It is so intimate to us. That is where you have to build a home. It is where we finally come clean. We can't hide anymore. We have to given into it."

"Ok."

"I'm tired."

William the lobbyist wants to know what are words worth.

2011-08-10T07:39:00.009-05:00

"I'm tired of talking."

"I'm sure that will serve me well."

"All of this carbon dioxide in the world is starting to bother me. I feel just like news television, magazines, and books, that I'm always trying to persuade. Shape people into my perspective when we talk. That is the only truth, getting them to nod their head. The only drive. Everything else doesn't matter."

"Depends if you are on to something."

"What?"

"I can be herded if I like what your life looks like."

"Say that ten times fast."

"Especially if you are a lobbyist for peace instead of fuckupness."

"Regardless of what your saying, I'm tired. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of all of the words."

"I don't believe you. But words are antiquated to you. These other sources needs us to nod our head. You hate words because you want us and yourself to understand without them, and that is what frustrates you. But you are still driven."

"Maybe, but I don't want them to to belong to me."

"That's it."

"What?"

"Isn't that what a lobbyist does? Work for a special interest."

"You are finally saying something of worth."

"I'm more than a pretty face."

"Back to the fraudulent words."

2011-08-03T07:51:00.002-05:00

"...real suffering comes from clinging to a life that has nothing to offer us."

-the mentor within

William wants to surrender.

2011-08-01T10:14:00.006-05:00

"I need to be healed. I need to be cared for."

"You?"

"I found that all of the relationships I've been in, and all the experiences I've had were conducted in some sort of mental war zone. We carried scars, shrapnel from so many other past experiences."

"I would suggest that what you are saying is laden with 'dramatics' "

"No."

"Ok."

"Can you imagine trying to have a relationship in a war zone? How do you two hold your relationship together?"

"I don't know."

"You hold it together. But that's just it, you hold it together. You don't expand. You don't breath. Something outside of you disguised as your hidden fear could come in and ransack it at anytime, and you have to be ready. You have to be prepared. In the meantime you pass time talking about your scars of the past; your past wars."

"That sounds bleak."

"It is. We need someone to care for us. We are coming to relationships from a war, and we are battle tested for a coming one."

"It seems."

"Doesn't feel to be out there when someone really cares for you; when someone hugs you and means it. Seeing you as not a soldier but innocent. It doesn't happen when you just forgive yourself."

"You think it's that simple."

"Yeah I do. I just wanted to know what I was fighting--which is nothing, and what I was resisting--which is myself. I wanted to surrender, and that is where I see that I am wounded. Deeply. Puncture and bleeding. I'm tired and I give up and demand a peace. I need to be healed. To let it in. To stay unprepared to the elements. Stay fucking unprepared for once."

"OK."

"I need to finally relax."

"Sounds serious."

"I just need to be cared for."

2011-07-28T09:28:00.002-05:00

Save your airfare and forgive.

-arten

2011-07-19T12:02:00.004-05:00

"You're television incarnate, Diana. Indifferent to suffering, insensitive to joy. All of life is reduced to the common rubble of banality. War, murder, death are all the same to you as bottles of beer. And the daily business of life is a corrupt comedy. You even shatter the sensations of time and space into split seconds and instant replays. You're madness, Diana virulent madness."

-Max Schumacher (William Holden)

Network (1975

screenplay Paddy Chayefsky

Slowie is romantic

2011-07-18T10:34:00.016-05:00

"Who knows how to conduct a relationship."

"Huh?"

"My heart was broken in the early 90's. Romance was beat out of me, and because of that at 22 I started acting like my parents. I held everything, and digested till I couldn't recognize myself. I then got really serious and rid myself of playfulness, imagination and sensation. I even got married. Now I am like a kid in my early 40's, emotionally paralyzed, sexually immature, with a generation below us that gives out blow jobs like handshakes. I am trying to find myself."

"I should try the fish."

"After my first 15 years of ruin relationships, I decide to create Frankenstein ones."

"You sound angry."

"I'm not angry."

"You sound it."

"But I'm not."

"Ok."

"I'm just saying that I don't know anything about conducting a relationship. I don't have any idea about sex, romance and how love powers any of it. I'm mad as hell and I can't take it anymore."

"So what does that mean?"

"Like it is that simple."

"It must be if you are looking for a window to scream out of."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"No."

"OK."

"I don't know about you, but I don't know what I'm doing. I feel absolutely crazy. I feel uneven, like I am completley made up and I just need to say 'uncle' and my real life will begin."

"I was just thinking that this morning."

"right."

"OK."

"Can't you see it?"

"With you?"

"I can't trust you."

"Ok."

"But you know what? Romantic movies have lied to me. As soon as I got my period I have spent the rest of my life looking to understand what love is. After I was hurt time and time again I Frankenstein that shit. I piece together surrounding relationships to serve aspects of my desire. I fed my hollow self with these pieces. I built a golden fucking calf to love and sat with a ripped bra in front of it."

"Frankenstein?"

"I took my Frankenstein out to meet my parents. This hideous thing I called love, this thing that kept me just functioning. I half--assed myself. Can't you see that?"

"It's not like that."

"It is. I bought into some fucked up script and I'm sexually stunted. I can't feel. I have know idea who I am. These movies lied to me. I chased love based on their prescription and found a horror picture. I can only trust myself. Myself."

"So then you are angry."

"I'm not angry, but I believe I'm mad."

"Insane."

"Yes."

"Ok.

"I believe romance is alive and well. It is powered by love, and I can only trust myself for it."

Lanvin knows love isn't an action verb.

2011-07-10T09:36:00.006-05:00

"I don't think I was attached to anything of significant in that relationship but my own addictions."

"I'm not even sure I asked you about it."

"I was addicted to things in it. I didn't know what a relationship was so I assume it has something to do with using addictions to keep it together. My need to be accepted, my desire distraction from the pain and agony of my thoughts. What else will keep you there?"

"Pancakes."

"So then you agree."

"Your saying that at the heart of most relationships is an addiction?"

"Yeah, don't you agree? It is an opportunity for escape. On top of that I can face outward and create dramatic moments between my mate to further keep me adrift from examining my mind."

"There is a love right? Love is the common denominator."

"Come on with that."

"What?"

"Love to what?"

"Love for the other person. You care about the bastard, that's what sinks you into this fucked up existence."

"How can you be way off? I'm saying that what you think is love is addiction."

"How do you know that?"

"Because just like a lot of other people we don't know what love is. You say it in this discussion as if it is going to shut me the hell up. But it remains to be unexamined and continues to be this big foot in the hills, and we parade under its banner and never see."

"I know what love is."

"Listen, my point is can you tell me the difference between love in a relationship and addiction in a relationship?"

"I'm tired."

"Right. We all are."

Anthony is not the norm.

2011-07-06T08:34:00.009-05:00

"A few times he said 'from here on out I'm going to do things differently, yes, from here on out, as if he really was."

"What?"

"I watched a show about this person who was about to die. His was sick. When the doctor and the patient were separate you could sense they knew there could be no more treatment, but when they sat together they both denied this. The doctor was willing to try one more round of radiation, the patient was willing to except this procedure, if only to get back to a normal life."

"Right."

"What is a normal life?"

"Well if you live in a suburb it is sitting on a riding lawn mower."

"Yeah probably. Yeah you're right, that's normal. You are fighting your way---you are denying your way, to get back to that riding lawnmower. Something just makes me think that if you had three attempted bone marrow transplants, three powerful radiation treatments, that has also failed, and you have wasted away to 90 pounds from 160; you would have to start believing that the riding lawn mower, and this failed attempt to save your life was also a part of your life. There is no 'getting back'."

"Well this happens to showcase a resilience."

"I don't know. It seems like a repression. There is nothing normal about life. If anything it continues to be strange and undefined. If anything sitting in ICU or sitting on a lawn mower gives us an opportunity to define. If we start to look closer. If we just start to stay still we begin to define these moments."

"You think?"

"Yeah. Because there is nothing normal about both of those things."

William is not going to routine his shit.

2011-06-27T10:24:00.005-05:00

"I'm crazy."

"Yeah."

"No. I'm really crazy."

"I know."

"What I'm saying is that I am crazy, why is that funny?

"I didn't say it was."

"But you act as if it is a gag."

"Well I know you are not serious."

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean what do I mean?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're not crazy. If you were crazy you would be in a rocking chair surrounded by people in white coats or whatever the modern equivalent was. You would be able to hear things that I couldn't hear and demanding that I could."

"No that's not true."

"When it comes to this life you are functioning. It's moving."

"That's all it takes?"

"Yes. Routining your shit."

"I am a functioning crazy person. It's like a functioning drunk."

"Yeah."

"So what you are saying is that everyone is crazy? This behavior is so widespread it's normal."

"OK."

"We are all distracted. Can't concentrate for a moment to reflect. I see people out driving like they are in a fog only waiting to react. Walking dogs with a look of bewilderment on their face. They are not sure why they are in this routine but yet they carry on with it."

"No thinking, just a kind of doing. Just do it."

"Making sure you don't understand your relationship to people, places and things. Just doing things to keep moving along. You don't want to understand. you just want to keep moving it along for reasons you don't know."

"I guess."

"To a destination you are unsure about but that's fine."

"I guess."

"What if you tried to understand?"

"I don't have time for all of that I got bills to pay."

"Huh?"

"Understanding is crazy talk."

"I don't want to routine my shit. I can't help but want to at least know what the hell is going on wit this place. I came out of the womb and got my self into something here. I'm in some fuck up shit here. I'm in a jam. I need to think my way out of this. It doesn't feel right."

"Your in a tight spot."

"I am, but I'm no radical, I'm not trying to protest; I just want to try something else while I'm doing this with you."

"How you gonna do that?"

"I'm going to think my way out. I am going to stop and listen. I am going to observe and not use reaction as tool in the world."

"So your going to stop thinking?"

"Yeah."

"Your not going to routine your shit?"

"I'm not going to routine my shit."

Slowie wants to experience this without even having that.

2011-06-24T09:11:00.007-05:00

"For once it just wasn't some dick."

"How's that? This is my trick ear."

"I was forced to desire something else."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"I won't say desire, but for once I started feeling that he was this time saying things with his tongue that still got me wet."

"And it's not even noon yet."

"I was confused."

"You?"

"Yeah. He was saying these beautiful things about love, talk in such a way that I can't describe. He would even listen to me, meet my low level demands with ease. Shit, I would forget I was talking. I had such a sexual edifice that this experience left me unprepared. It gathered me by surprise. I slipped and fell."

"Doesn't seem like your type."

"He was physically. it was a trap. Generally with those that I'm attracted to I have no problem with a pre game show. It is generally alcohol ridden or it is loaded with flat conversation and long pauses. But I stay prepared. I stay resilient. The sex is what I am signed up for. The mental abuse is what my ticket stub says; all while I approach the bedroom."

"But again that doesn't seem like his method of operation."

"But that's just it. Something he said out in the living room, something he made me feel fucks with my wiring when we are in the bedroom. It is like his whole visage--not necessarily the sex act, is what makes it more titillating. I can have an orgasm with picture of him in my mind sitting in a pair of chinos, rather than plowing into me from behind."

"You like that?"

"I like that."

"OK."

"It is almost like what he is saying is affecting me beyond what I think is my only sexual satisfaction. It's like what I have demanded for myself has been extremely low. I have under sold myself ."

"But you never expected that much anyway. Your stories of sex have just been silly escapades."

"True, it was a hobby of a distracted mind, but he has forced me to demand something else from my sexual experiences. In the end I just want to feel this...whatever it is, without even having them."

Slowie is in loves waiting room.

2011-06-21T07:25:00.008-05:00

"All the questions I have about myself are answered if I was in a loving relationship."

"Do you even know what that is?"

"I fucking know. You never listen to me."

"OK."

"I know, because again everything that I am doing is just a waste of time until I am again exposing myself to it. I'm just distracted and fucked up until it happens."

"What does that mean?"

"The way I am figuring everything in my life is just a dramatic waiting room until I am seen by love."

"Does he have glasses with a clipboard in his hand?"

"All my questions, and all my deviant behavior becomes easily explained."

"What?"

"Turns out, the things I hide from people, the self that I am reserving for that one night stand in Coral Gables..."

"The sexual asphyxiation?"

"The balloon fetish or pie play."

"The fucking and punching?"

"Huh?"

"Not sure you're making sense now."

"I don't change is what I'm saying. I just wait for love to see me and all of my wanting behaviors are explained."

"Dr. Love?"

"I open to it, if I don't want to parcel myself out to sex and emotions with people across the city. It's like I am using different people for different behaviors."

"Your not into piecemeal?"

"I don't change. I can just heighten. I have myself explained to myself."

"Huh? What? Why?"

"It is another way to do some self evening. Like shirts being ironed out. I come in from the cold and everything about me is honored and explained as way to a purpose. I honor the good parts and all of what I think is my shitty self."

"You?"

"Me. Even I can be sanctified."

"Without an exorcist?"

"I'm just tired of forcing myself to hate what I'm attracted to and then give it to some strangers whose anonymity makes it easier for me to disrespect them."

"That can destroy people you love, and is why I personally and temporarily sleep with emotionally vacant women, when I want to kick start something bizarre and twisted I've seen on the internet or was personally thinking about."

"Your absurdity is baseless."

"Right."

"It won't destroy people you love, because the authentic love sanctify what you consider degradation and then--and more importantly begins to make you whole."

"Maybe so."

"It's transforming if you allow."

"But you still like 'piecemealing' yourself across town, don't you? You like being an actress unsure of the emotion this role will bring up. You still enjoy aspects of yourself."

"Like a movie you once thought was excellent, now you only see the sadness in it."

"That sounds sad."

"That's because it is, and I'm tired."

"Ah."

"Which is why I waiting to be seen."

"Of course."

2011-06-18T08:09:00.003-05:00

The body is the ego's idol; the belief in sin made flesh and then projected outward. This produces what seems to be a wall of flesh around the mind, keeping it prisoner in a tiny spot of space and time, beholden unto death, and given but an instant in which to sigh and grieve and die in honor of its master. And this unholy instant seems to be life; and instant despair, a tiny island of dry sand, bereft of water and set uncertainly upon oblivion.

Nicholas doesn't like your asshole behavior but he will still take you to the airport.

2011-06-16T21:19:00.012-05:00

"My distractions are moving over to where I can see them. It is almost like they have become easily identified in a emptying out party. They stand there completley under dressed and huddled. I see them."

"What kind of party is this?"

"Things are starting to collapse around me. I haven't lived up to my obligations anymore."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't know."

"Exactly."

"Well. I feel I finally let it go."

"What? He says with trepidation."

"Well maybe not all of it. I stop my support. I stop my support of what my friends wanted to believe about themselves. I stop my support for what my family wanted to believe about themselves."

"What?"

"I let them continue though. That's what it is..."

"What is?"

"My point. I stopped the support and realize my life got immeasurably quiet as I stopped, but I let them continue if they choose."

"Choose what?"

"If they want to abuse themselves I think it's ok."

"So you are telling me that you stop supporting people."

"There are two people in the world: those who think they need help and those who think they can give it."

"What?"

"There are logistical behaviors. I can help them logistically if they need a ride from the airport. Help them move. Pay for their dinner etc. Logistics, yes."

"I hope the latter is something we can discuss after this meal."

"I can do those things. I can do logistics. I can carry your drunk ass up a flight of stairs if you need me. That isn't the issue. I can be a reference for a job, but where it has changed.....it has changed where the disquieted is no longer accepted. I can no longer be a party to your self abuse, or aid you in self bludgeoning, after I have helped you up the stairs or into your new job. I cannot support you there. It doesn't serve me anymore to sit on the phone and listen to you exercise the banality of your life that you are decades away from changing. Matter of fact you would shoot me if I instituted practical application on the matter."

"I hope this is just a self realization and you don't mean me."

"Of course."

"Ok."

"I'm just not as distracted anymore. I can see all of the players in my own distraction. My own life has come in very clear after I stopped doing one of the two and now I have no tolerance with yours."

"Ok. How can you help me then."

"Well there is a third thing I can do. My support can be a friend who is distraction free that can be a mirror to your ass-holy behavior. That is the only beneficial support you will ever need. Someone who allows for accountability. I have cleared myself or I am aware of my hindrances and moved them back so I can be present for your growth."

"How else can you help me."

"I can carry your drunk ass up the stairs."

Slowie has an alien.

2011-06-13T10:11:00.010-05:00

"I don't want it."

"What?"

"Love is hard. Like is acceptable."

"You believe that?"

"Love is strangulation."

"What?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I enjoy my life of having sex with people where we are on the same page. We have conversations that are laden with thoughts that there isn't a lot of time here so let's get on with it, but sense we both try to believe that we really like each other; we pretend to be interested in each others mother."

"I love talking about bloody Korean movies before sex."

"I do a lot of 'like' because I'm afraid of love. I almost hate it. There is almost something sinister about it. It is at the root of every interaction, reminding me again to try it out."

"Try it out? What are you talking about?"

"I don't know really. That's part of the problem. But you know I don't think it has anything to do with searching. I don't think we are supposed to be out looking for it. You know tryn' to find love?' I think it is an entity. I think it is some alien inside us. "

"The Thing."

"An alien. Something we don't understand. You know it is so much harder not telling the truth to each other..."

"You mean easier."

"I mean harder."

"Ok, right."

"I don't know if love is truth, or what it is, because that is what drives me insane. There is no love to be found out there."

"It's the Thing."

"I'm having these abbreviated relationships with labels like 'open' or 'not serious' as a way of staying away from the alien, but it is with me. It is inside of me. It is at home alone with me, gnawing at me, choking me with it's need."

"Sounds painful and nothing like the Notebook."

"It's not the strangler. I have to take that back. It's not gnawing at me. You know what? I take all of that back. I don't know what I'm saying."

"What?"

"All of it."

"OK."

"My resistance is all it is. It is just my constant..constant resistance. That resistance is what does the gnawing. That is what does the choking. I have spent my entire life keeping myself back from something."

"That alien."

"Yes and based on my life, it seems more like it is my only friend. A friend that flashes itself at me when I want to sell myself short. It reminds during a kiss that there is no love to find in this."

"Uh huh. So not a question of what you are looking for..."

"But more like what are you resistant to?"

Lanvin wants to sell her cleverness.

2011-06-10T08:08:00.013-05:00

"I just didn't want to be clever anymore."

"Huh?"

"I was tired of being sarcastic and witty all the time."

"All the time?"

"Well, as a defense mechanism."

"Why?"

"I did it to stay off myself. I was clever to avoid the cold loneliness."

"It's not that serious."

"It is."

"You are taking all the fun out of things."

"I never said that I didn't still have fun. I just don't have it at my own expense."

"What?"

"I don't have it as a way of avoiding what's going on with me."

"You need it."

"I do still need it."

"What do you mean then?"

"I need it for you. I don't need it for me as much anymore. I hate kidding myself with cleverness. I need it to coddle you. If you still need it. If you still need to feel at ease."

"You will rock me to sleep in it?"

"Only if you desire, I'm not a soapbox preacher, plus I won't hang around people like that as I use to. I will spend most of my time around those that don't need this devise as much."

"Speaks to me of arrogance."

"It's not. If anything it is like staying at home with yourself, no defenses up, taking in what is ugly about yourself--what is salvageable. Sifting through what works."

"What the hell does this serve. What does it bring?"

"Finally a sort of commitment."

"What?"

"A commitment. Without your biting sarcasm you begin to participate. You begin to commit to experiences, if only to understand this new person behind the newly dropped projecting."

"My sarcasm doesn't bite."

"I spent so much time firing back quick responses on any subject a person brings up, like a machine gun game of hot potato. I can't be introspective on just who I am in front of someone. We can never discuss this layer after layer of thought we are encased in that makes us stare in solitude 80 percent of the day. The things that are uncomfortable. The things that are biting us. I want to sell my cleverness so I can be at home in myself and explore."

"It is still just your wish."

"What?"

"It is just your buisness."

"You saying this just so I don't infect your so called good time?"

"Yeah. It can kill a party."

"No worries. It is just an option for the uncomfortable. Those who are acrimonious, contemptuous, there is still tons of real estate left. You who need your wit, your cleverness can continue to fill your face with it. I do this for me and a few people who just need to feel themselves. Those that are tired of their results. Tired and worn out with their experiences. Those that need to treat this life a little more tactile without lacerating themselves."

"I like my cleverness."

"I know. But it is something I have already mastered. I'm now ok with bewilderment."

William is sensitive to your needs, during your entertaining conversations.

2011-06-07T07:35:00.013-05:00

"People are adrift."

"I like aquatics."

"Well you can't really talk to someone without them, kind of like disappearing----they just go away."

"Go away?"

"Yeah."

"Walk away?"

"It's me. I am talking about something that is building. I am having this layered conversation that has all kinds of sensitivity. It is sensitive to them, it is sensitive to me. It is ready to be plugged into what I believe is a universal thought. A thought that everyone is concerned about---everyone, deep down wants to discuss, but because they have never had support there---they struggle with it. They check out as I'm trying to build it. They go back towards this fake conversation."

"Fake like what?"

"Well, they have the right idea in some cases, they talk about headlines from this cornucopia of news information, which can make an intellectually allergic person savvy and conversation participatory, but that shit is nothing. People already know what's going on in what matters. The key is building on this conversation where you can meaningfully connect it to you..."

"Sensitively?"

"Right."

"Ah the chronic participatory with his hand in the air and Kool-aide stains on his shirt."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. You say don't fall for it."

"Yeah. Don't take the bait and be distracted, rather find collectively that you are connected and have given birth to the culture, which means it is more of an exercise in self evaluation not just something that allows you to take judgement out for a walk during a coffee break."

"That could work me too much."

"No not at all."

"It could. I am just trying to get home or here for dinner."

"You're always trying to get here."

"I like it here."

"Yeah it's comfortable for you."

"Of course."

"I see what's wrong with people. It is easy to be distracted, but I read in these news and information outlets--eventually what's wrong with me. I see my problems answered if I look closely; my personal answers to deep seated issues are in there somewhere."

"It's entertainment."

"Not just. Again self evaluation waiting to be...."

"Sensitivity."

"Constructed."

"Right."

"There are some answers in there. It is not all rolled pepperoni, cheese and wine tasting. It's not just entertainment. It's not just passing time. It's not just conversation that you have to produce as if you are called upon in class. There is something there. There is always something there.

"I like rolled pepperoni."

"I thought a bologna was more your style."

William doesn't want to keep his life together.

2011-06-02T08:45:00.006-05:00

"I'm not doing anything."

"Now?"

"No."

"What?"

"I don't want to do anything anymore."

"Huh?"

"I don't want to do anything anymore. There is a lot of doing going on."

"What do you mean?"

"Just in general. Throughout any given moment."

"Like when?"

"I spend a lot of time trying to keep a tray of dishes in the air. I spend a lot of time trying to keep things together throughout the day."

"Makes sense, right?"

"Does it?"

"I don't know. That's life."

"How do you know what life is?"

"Well I don't know, but that is what people say right? That is what is known about life; you have to keep it together."

"Who gave you this idea?"

"Just something we all....just started to do right."

"Out of nowhere?"

"Right."

"Nobody knows right? nobody knows what the hell we are doing. What part of your life do you really control?"

"Who ask's questions like that?"

"Don't you want to stop just a little. Don't want to just listen for a moment."

"Listen for what?"

"Anything. Anything that is different from just keeping it together. Anything so you can start having some control."

"Huh?"

"Maybe you want to see what will happen when you are not keeping it together.

"You mean become lazy.?"

"What? No. Stop doing things, but also listening. Focusing on what could happen."

"Abandon your life?"

"If nothing comes I go back to buisness as usual. I just want to see if something takes over. We are just keeping it together right?"

"Yeah. That's life."

"Keeping it together for what?"

"I don't know."

"Right."

"Ok."

2011-05-30T18:24:00.006-05:00

"The most difficult challenge we can possibly face is the act of surrender,

the unconditional acceptance of What Is. This is releasing control. This is the ultimate humility born from the truthful acknowledgment of not-knowing.

The truth reveals itself when we surrender."

Anthony wants to do that thing.

2011-05-26T09:26:00.004-05:00

"I want to do that thing."

"Huh?"

"Perception is a son of a bitch."

"Why?"

"It controls my decision making."

"I thought we were talking about something else."

"I can't do anything that I am genuinely desiring without first thinking and worrying about how others are going to perceive it."

"You can fuck what others think."

"Why do people say that?"

"Say what?"

"Say things like 'just ignore people or 'Who cares what other people think' or 'I know someone who doesn't care what people think.' Turns out that guy just don't care what you think, but he cares about the ramblings of someone in his life ."

"Maybe."

"Perception is a crazy. It has to be extracted. The whole perception thing has to be cut out. We have to attack it directly. The 'Who cares what people think.' line is not going to work. We have to head right to causality."

"What are you going to do."

"You say that as if I am going to head over to City Hall."

"Well? You brought all of this up, like you were ready to light your torch."

"Yeah, maybe."

"OK."

"I'm just going to do the desire."

"What?"

"I'm just going to do the thing. I'm just going to do what I desire before perception fully takes hold in my mind and influences that decision."

"That sounds easy."

"It's not. It will ignite. You will see it. But you can't get involved in that mob. You have to stay back, stay away from it. You got to go do your thing. You have to protect that notion, that desire. You have to make sure you do that thing before the mob invites you over."

"Ok."

"Yeah it's that simple.

William does not want to change what's happening.

2011-05-18T12:18:00.007-05:00

"What is the difference between something happening to you and you preventing something from happening?"

"Will, please not today."

"What?"

"Just a nice quiet meal, please."

"It's just a question."

"I don't know."

"What?"

"I can't answer that."

"I don't know either."

"What?"

"I mean I think that if you stop a so called bad thing from happening to you or something happens to you surprisingly, the thing that is in common with both of them is that you are going to be still using the same tools to work either situation. You are still the same person in both situation."

"I said please just let me eat."

"I think the point is if you fear something bad happening to you, that is where you are making the mistake. You are putting too much power on it, and that is going to change the way it affects you."

"But it depends on the degree of fucked up."

"No, it depends on the power you give it, the tools you have to deal with both situations remains the constant. The power you give away is the only thing that changes a problem you are avoiding or facing. You never personally--who you really are, never change."

"It's like you are saying you don't change anything, even if your situation has gotten worse."

"Right."

"What? Even if you mangled in a car accident?"

"There may be different actions you take physically but mentally it has to be seen the same and then the problem--no matter the severity, has the same peaceful effect as the problem you were good enough to avoid."

"I wish I could have avoided this conversation."

"I feel better."

William's guru is disheveled.

2011-05-17T21:12:00.011-05:00

"Ok you have my attention."

"How's that?"

"You."

"Me?"

"I figure I start giving in to everything around me."

"It's early."

"What the hell is going on?"

"Are you talking to me?"

"I am just saying uncle. I don't know what's going on anymore so I figure I should just say uncle and someone comes running in and explain how my life was one big joke."

"You believe that?"

"Well, I don't believe that will happen, no, but I do believe that what's in front of me from here on out is some sort of clue that will lead to all of my answers and explain to me why these continents of fucked up'edness exist."

"Ok."

"So I have to let you do what you want. I have to allow these experiences. I have to give you my full attention. Well if I'm attracted to it anyway. This right fuckin' here is where the action is; this is where the answers are. Where else am I going to go? Hiding out by running from what's in front of me? I stop the merry go round by checking in. Showing up right here.These experiences are not bypasses onto a highway that is more interesting, these are the destinations. You are the purpose--for now anyway. This right here is the purpose of "this" existence."

"My beleaguered ass is the key to your existence. I knew I was your God."

"Yeah. You're not someone that I just sit in a rundown cafe and slowly year after year become the victim of this chili cheese dog with extra onions. This is the moment. You're the guru."

"In a grease stained shirt."

"In loafers with tassels."

"I like that they slide on."

"Where am I trying to get to? Why am I overlooking this? I know why. It is so easy to do. The horizon that wants me to forget what's in front of it, doesn't exist and is pretending to call my attention.

"Instead a slack jawed guy in a grease stained shirt is whistling you over to fill you full of wisdom before he gets you to pay his tab."

"You have my attention."

William just lets it happen.

2011-05-09T08:33:00.006-05:00

"Ok."

"Yes. I'm starting to see that I am ok."

"From what?"

"Huh?"

"From what?"

"I don't know. "

"What are you talking about?"

"I just feel like I'm going to always be ok."

"Ok your going to always be ok."

"When something bad is happening. I decided to just wait it out."

"What?"

"I just don't do anything reactive. I just like to stand still; do what comes clear, you know?

"You mean don't do anything? Let something appear. Like let it happen?"

"Let it happen, is a good way of describing it."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"There is something in that situation for me to do, but you usually can't hear it because you are reacting."

"If you are on fire you have at least drop and roll."

"Of course, but there are situations that doesn't need that immediate response, matter of fact a immediate response becomes the problem. Most of the things that are happening to us doesn't need a response. We should let it happen. That is the only place where we haven't looked for the answer to the problem."

"Crazy."

"Yeah, crazy. I'm not distracted anymore by work, relationships, words...I'm starting to just see myself. I'm gaining a focus--finally."

"So you're ok?"

"Even when I'm not."

Slowie is talking about ripped stockings.

2011-04-30T17:53:00.004-05:00

"I sat with my ugliness for the day."

"Did he rip your stockings?"

"Yes he did, but that's beside the point, or maybe not. I realized after I slipped and spilled the shit I usually project onto others all over me for a day--that it indeed is ugliness that I easily give to others. This is what I discovered."

"What?"

"I am full of a ugliness."

"Do you mean shit? That seem to fit in this context."

"If I can get it off in time. If I can get it off me like a hot potato onto someone else I can see that it is not me. I see myself as pretty, pristine and the fucking world is against me. But slipping and spilling the ugliness on myself, not getting enough time to throw it at someone with a vileness means I am left with it. It means that the longer the minutes tick the more I will discover that I am the sole sponsor of it. I didn't know that. I didn't know blame, ridicule ugliness was coming from inside of me rather than someone making in me."

"What are we talking about?"

"We are talking about ripped stockings."

"Right."

Lanvin likes option #2

2011-04-26T08:54:00.006-05:00

"You do not have as much control over your life as you think you do."

"What?"

"Well I will say me. I cannot escape the things that are happening to me."

"What?"

"I see that when I don't do anything. Even if I am not doing a damn thing, things still happen."

"Things like..."

"Negative or positive."

"What?"

"Anything."

"Like things?"

"Yes."

"OK."

"I can wake up not planning anything for the whole day, nothing. I could tell myself that I am not going to do anything. I am going to sit in my place and not do anything and things will still happen."

"That makes sense right?"

"What?"

"Something will always happen. Someone will come to knock on your door, your phone will ring."

"I think that's my point. I don't have to construct anything. I don't have to do any architecting of my day my week. Something comes remotely."

"You sound lazy."

"It's not like I wouldn't do anything when that phone rings, or someone comes knocking at my door. I just use them as a clue."

"A clue? What kind of clue?"

"A opportunity at a better option than what I'm constructing."

"How can you not design your future, or use a daily planner. That doesn't make any sense."

"I still have to go to the cleaners, that's not what I'm talking about. I can make money, do work tasks, but when it comes to feeling peaceful, when it comes to being really happy or experiencing myself as love. I don't know what I'm doin'. I don't have a clue.You think I'm happy?"

"I don't know."

"The problem isn't my boss, my parents or city traffic. The problem is the entire system I operate in. Everything. And it cannot be change from with in it. That wouldn't make sense."

"What do you mean?"

"Everything is what I mean."

"Are you trying to divorce yourself from life? Are we talking suicide? Because I don't want this conversation to turn dour. "

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"It's just duality, the world is duality and I am using the other option."

"Are we talking religion?"

"No."

"I just want to try the different one."

"The different one?"

"Yes."

"Can you do that?"

"Yeah."

"How? And remember I only have 15 minutes."

"Simple. By not constructing anything in my life. Then I start by not escaping whatever comes to me. It is like a kid who only can work the game pieces that he/or she is given. You have to be happy with that, and you have to trust that in the end it will be all you need to solve the puzzle. It's tough, but I have unique and extremely better days if I allow it."

"By being lazy?"

"Yeah. But what comes has my attention completely. My life's answers are in that knock or that phone call. Those interactions become extremely important. They are clues for more peace in the interim."

"So you are also becoming peaceful?"

"Yes. You like peace right?"

"Yeah it works."

"Of course."

2011-04-20T19:07:00.000-05:00

Don't panic.

William likes a woman who eats meatloaf.

2011-04-19T07:28:00.005-05:00

"I like a woman who eats meatloaf."

"What?"

"I mean isn't that sexy?"

"What?"

"A sexy woman who eats food that isn't that sexy."

"What are we talking about?"

"I just get tired of people who are trying to get it across to me that they eat safe, that they eat food that to them seems trendy, you know? They eat turkey. They don't eat red meat, or they don't eat much. They eat wheat bread with one hundred and twenty two grains, lot's of salads."

"They have to be neutral. I like mustard sandwiches."

"They have to be neutral. They have to draw me out. They can't present something that will spoil their campaign to continue the relationship."

"Campaign?"

"If they stay blank. If they stay neutral they stay safe. They can shape themselves to me and properly hide. It is a campaign to avoid commitment while committing to a miserable commitment."

"What are you saying?"

"I like a woman who eats meatloaf. A woman who eats liver. And she doesn't have a problem getting her hands down in the sirloin to make a misshapen hamburger on the stove."

"The kind that sticks to the top of the bread because she forgot to add the onions."

"Right."

"And the Egyptian romaine lettuce."

"Exactly. But she has to be cute."

"Right."

"This lifestyle somehow keeps her healthy, her skin radiant."

"Rotund doesn't work."

"Right. It tips the scale in the wrong direction and could indicate something else going on."

"Yes, someone becoming stout in the kitchen. Sizable."

"Sounds like you got yourself a little campaign going."

"I guess in the end I just like a woman who eats meatloaf."

William thinks in analogue.

2011-04-16T08:01:00.010-05:00

"What?"

"I like it when a woman say's 'moreover'."

"Love cannot be served unless it is surrounded by tons and tons or appetizers, and then we still won't quite dig into it."

"I'm sorry?"

"Listen. I just have to have poetry. I have to watch passion filled movies with tragic endings. It is the drama that I personally love. I don't want the commitment of love. The finality of it. Even if it keeps me in a state of bliss; even if I am happy beyond measure. Even if I am married to ecstasy and we take our honeymoon in joy. For some reason that isn't entertaining enough for me. Why? Why is that?"

"She is analogue."

"Yeah. She's emotionally minimal. She doesn't understand what the fuss is about. She doesn't have time for the theatrics."

"What are you doin'?"

"What?"

"Are you losing it?"

"I don't know."

"Right."

"I feel like I've studied passion, or I've studied romance. It's like I have studied an entire culture of physical expression through it's tools such as music, art, literature and movies and I have idolized it. Just looked at it. Friended it on Facebook. But she takes it and just allows it to unlock her. She dives in and doesn't need to question it."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"What are you fretting?"

"Who the fuck uses fretting?"

"It is being used right here."

"She's in it. Close to the heartbeat, near the silence, and well, I haven't gotten in. Well I have, but I get out to talk about how I've gotten in."

"OK."

"Just talking about it here does it again."

2011-04-14T17:09:00.005-05:00

"Oh no it's quite restful. It's almost peaceful. No need to believe in either side or any side. There is no cause. There's only yourself. The belief is in your precision."

William likes math.

2011-04-13T07:27:00.008-05:00

"Do you understand?"

"Of course not. But it always seem to make sense."

"I don't have a place to put contempt or anger. I don't have a place in me to store something that I consider negative. It is like eating food that keeps coming up."

"Please. I'm eating food that naturally comes up, but the cooks plan it that way."

"I can't manipulate anyone with something that I have stored weeks ago. I'm faced with it. I have to work it out. As if we are back in high school in 5th hour math working on a word problem. It has to be worked out. I can't avoid it."

"Sounds like a busy moment."

"Yeah."

"It's too intense. I still say you need to relax."

"I wish."

"Right."

"You act as if I'm crazy? As if I'm doing something that's a waste of time."

"Well isn't? You seem disturbed. I say that unloving."

"Of course you do. But don't you understand? You're the one that is filling up with all these storage boxes of disparagements. You can't really work out a problem you are having with someone or something, so you attack a little and save some for later. What you are saving is weighing you down, eating away at your health and making you drive erratically. It allows you to punish people with every derivative of fear, and all I'm saying is I don't want any storage. I don't want to save anything. I want to work it out as these moments come up, so I don't see them again. What I find is that they are only my equations to deal with; they are none of your business even if it appears that way."

"None of my buisness?"

"Whatever problem you give me is only my buisness. In the end you get the better side of me because of it. You like pleasant right? Kindness? Compassion? Those are the things that you get as I take what belongs to me."

"I guess it goes down better than manipulation."

"And actually nourishes, which is what I can't say about this food."

"Apple fritters."

"Whatever problem I get is for my attention. For me to resolve. If you happen to be giving it to me it is just a coincidence."

"That could relax me."

"Exactly."

"So I can leave you with the check."

"Right."

2011-04-08T14:17:00.001-05:00

Don't argue with reality.

Anthony believes banality is a ploy.

2011-04-05T08:04:00.007-05:00

"Things are just happening. I am on one hand losing money over here, checks are coming in this way. Bills are asking to be paid. Relationships are either beginning or ending. Things are just happening in my life that seems like I don't have any control over."

"What?"

"Things are just happening."

"What do you mean?"

"My life. There doesn't seem to be any control. I don't even know how the hell I got here. Think about it, we just appeared, and not only that we just have this life. We appear out of nowhere and we got to--all of a sudden, walk a dog. Doesn't it seem strange."

"I don't know."

"Aren't you curious?"

"I guess. Should I be?"

"I don't know. But you will agree that it seems like we just appeared right? Like all of a sudden we are picking up dog shit in the park. Sitting on a bus reading the paper."

"Appeared?"

"Yeah. No rhyme or reason really. And I'm just saying let's not look at the religious thing for a moment. let's not get into the whole created thing or whatever. Let's just look at right now. If you look at your life without religion; whatever you believe. You are basically sitting on a bus reading the paper or picking up dog shit."

"I don't have a dog."

"I didn't say you did, I am just trying to find something that seems strange that we do."

"OK."

"Whoever created us, or whatever happened to us to make us here right now we are not concerned with that when it comes to our banal tasks, right? You are not thinking about God as you grout your tile right? Saying: 'This is why you put me here....ah to grout this tile, to put Comet in this tub.' your not saying that."

"No I got to grout this fucking tile."

"Why?"

"Because this shit is dirty."

"I mean why? When you don't even know why you are even here? You appeared out of nowhere and now you are grouting tile, for no reason other than that shit is dirty. What the hell is wrong with you!"

"There is nothing wrong with me!"

"My point is we are just doing stuff in between while we are waiting on something to happen to us. We are waiting on something to come along that really needs our attention. Something that could explain what they hell we are here for that we perhaps don't give it the right attention so we can get back to grouting our tile. "

"What?"

"We are not in control of anything. We have theories of why we got here, but we are not completely sure."

"What's your point?"

"My point is something else in control while we pick up dog shit, grout tile and write checks, and guess what? I am happy about that. That makes me feel more comfortable. I listen when experiences come to me out of my control, because when I am in charge I am doing an incredible amount of daily stupid shit. I'm walking a dog in the rain in a house coat and construction boots."

"Or talking to me."

"Right."

Anthony wants to know more than he wants a blow job.

2011-04-03T11:20:00.007-05:00

"Like the cover of darkness. As if she was a fugitive from somewhere or better yet something."

"What?"

"It was weird at first."

"What are we talking about?"

"We are talking about some women I have come into contact with, that with their open sexual ambivalence I have become scared, anxiety ridden and finally angry."

"You mean they have offered you sex."

"Yeah."

"What are we talking about here."

"We are talking about what sexual offerings can do to a man. It is not easy in all cases."

"Are you sure?"

"I hate what it does to me sometimes. I feel like a co conspirator to the day their punishment begins. Don't you see in some women who are just using you to hide, or using you to carry out some punishment in hard core fashion?"

"Not sure I'm seeing the problem there. Plus I'm not a counselor in the bedroom."

"You know? It really bothers me that I enjoy it."

"Of course."

"You know what? It bothers me that I have something in me where this can match up nicely with. I hate that their need for a debasement intrigues me."

"You make it sound wrong."

"You know, now that I think about it, I find that it is just a huge sensation a table size Hostess cupcake that I need to hurry up and consume without thinking, just like they need to hurry up and distract me to get me to believe that I was the only author of this late night visit. My desire is the only thing that is making them do this. I am the man, so their responsibility will easily disappear just on that fact."

"Is it really that serious?"

"It is very serious. This late night visit under the cloak of bad judgment is also ground zero for vulnerability, love and connectedness that two people with-- in most cases, two different reasons are trying their Goddamness to leap over. To go around by any means. They can't allow their conscience to catch up. "

"And there you are with your fucking flash light in the bedroom."

"Better yet trying to understand. I just want to understand."

"At 2am Understanding is for the sexually deprived, idiot savants and philosophy majors."

"I just want to know."

"And I will take the huddled masses."

William is not up for the pursuit.

2011-04-02T07:09:00.004-05:00

"We are asking the wrong questions."

"Me?"

"People are beyond sad. They are disorientated, overwhelmed."

"Not whelmed?"

"No. They are also a little lost, edgy, anxiety ridden, and robbed of something."

"Seems like you could go on."

"I can. You can look into their eyes. They dart, fish around, try not to reveal that they don't quite know what to say next unless you give them cues. Unless you give them a conversation that makes all the useless information they have stored seem relevant."

"That seems angry. I like talking about sandwiches. Bread spreads."

"I know you do. I'm just saying, people are sad. We know something is wrong and we can't quite put our finger on it. We know what we are doing day- in- and day out is not really adding up to anything. We are not gaining any ground by the time we excitingly reach another Friday. We are in the same place. Like there is a hole in us, and we keep pouring some thing into it rather than look for ways to ultimately repair it. I guess we just can't realize that there is something crazy about always being in pursuit of what settles us for the moment, what makes us feel relieved for just a few minutes. The pursuit of unhappiness. Why is that normal? We are asking the wrong questions."

"What should I be asking?"

"Ah it's metaphorical. Just looking at all of this something beings to happen. Something that doesn't quite make Friday so exciting anymore."

"What do you like on your sandwich?"

"Bacon."

"OK."

2011-03-30T07:53:00.005-05:00

finding than holding our mind in a state of peace is our only responsibility in any moment or any situation that presents itself to us.

"For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
- Larry Eisenberg

Lanvin doesn't need to feel.

2011-03-29T08:04:00.006-05:00

"I want to be constant."

"Huh?"

"I want to be consistent. It can be upsetting."

"What is?"

"I have noticed, I can't help but notice how consistently inconsistent we all are."

"I told you I was going to be late."

"I'm not talking about that. Well maybe I am."

"Get it together."

"Look."

"OK. I'm sorry."

"We are just looking to feel. We are just so desperate to just feel something in the world."

"Feel what?"

"Feel temporary sensation. You want more but you don't know what that is so you settle for just a sensation. Just a hit."

"So I am a drug addict."

"You travel out of the country, buy new technology, cook unusual foods, start new relationships all to just feel. You are not looking for experiences that finds a state. You are not looking to stand still. Not looking to be seen. You have to keep moving around to satisfy your urges. This makes you consistently inconsistent when something of gravity is asked of you."

"I don't understand, but you make me sound like a drug addicted adolescent now."

"Yeah. Of course. You are always looking to satisfy a feeling even in every conversation. You want to know what you can get out of it that will lead to a sensation."

"That can't be true."

"It's true."

"It's not."

"You think I blame you? You think I am judging you?"

"I don't know."

"What if that feel that you are constantly looking for in new sex partners, new condo, new TV show; what if you told yourself that feeling will always be the same? It will always lead to a feeling of unfulfillment. Because it does doesn't it? You are never filled up once you get these things. You are out looking for the next thing. Consistently.That is what I have struggled with. I discovered that feeling doesn't need to be sought out anymore. I don't have to spend a night in Tunisia just for a feeling. I can go to experience myself. The feeling is with me. It is what I bring to situations when I finally stop moving and become constant."

"This is heavier than my breakfast."

"It's not. These biscuits are three days old."

"Maybe."

"They are constantly bad in here."

"Yeah."

Anthony is homeless

2011-03-20T08:29:00.006-05:00

"How did I become a fifth wheel in a sexual situation that included five? When I was the one who suggested it?"

"Not sure I want you to go into this."

"I'm just saying."

"I don't want you to."

"I was frozen out."

"I can say I'm sorry and allow it to rest there."

"I believe if my life is getting better; where you are able to clearly relate to the success, than I am doing poorly on the inside."

"What?"

"If you can personally recognize me doing well, career wise, relationship etc. than I'm fucking up."

"Not sure what to do with that."

"I can easily say things are not measured by the things you have."

"Right, but as soon as the cameras are turned off you will again believe that they are."

"Yes and you will come over to my house and questioned me if there was no TV, no furniture, no car in the driveway. You need to measure me so you can have a relationship."

"You have to be on some track."

"What if you couldn't?"

"What?"

"What if I was happy and there was nothing you could see that was making it that way?"

"I would say you was homeless."

"Come on some people that are homeless are in their state because they cling to the idea that they are going to have the same success as you, using the same cutthroat methods against self, taking short cuts that hurt people, hurt themselves all to cling to the same idea as you. In the end they just lack your commitment to being an asshole."

"Right. I figured as much. Just because I want a Porsche 911 I am an asshole?"

"Only if it makes you happy."

"I was really saying you're homeless because there is nothing here that seems to make you feel at home."

"Ha. Maybe you're right. That is very insightful for you. Didn't know that was possible."

"Yeah."

"But now you see what makes me happy."

"You're still insane."

"And without a lease."

Slowie hasn't been hogtied, but it is the first example she likes to use when making a point.

2011-03-17T11:50:00.011-05:00

"Waiting for the fall."

"What?"

"I'm not going to be involved with someone where we both are waiting for each other to fuck it up."

"Why would you do that?"

"I wouldn't."

"Then why are we talking about it?"

"Because I want to."

"OK."

"I know I usually have unorthodox style relationships."

"Yes you do."

"I am dedicated to something in it though. Completley. That is better than any fabricated thing we have been taught."

"I know."

"There is a loyalty that has me completley present."

"Ok."

"I am not constructing something with someone in some suburb."

"Say that 60 times."

" I know it is so I can satisfy the people around me. So I can wait for this bastard to fail, because that person will fail with our shoddy constructions. Our non dedication to whats deep in us. What we really need to unearth."

"Why would I even think that about you?"

"You would, because it can happen to even someone like me who might like to be tied up; hogtied, naked with my heels still on while facing an open window. Only hearing the sound of the traffic below. Even if I liked that absurd thing happening to me... last summer. I would want you to think even I could be complacent if I wasn't careful. It could be a routine hog tying."

"OK. The image is making itself home in my mind. It is moving furniture around and lounging on my couch."

"I look for and commit 100 percent to things in relationships that shows me awesome things about myself that I can extend to that person. You understand?"

"Yes you're not a politician."

"Right I am not a politician. Holding fake office based on a fake platform to satisfy my base..."

"Rob base."

"I am dedicated to a feeling. A authentic feeling about who I really am. Something that is the only real thing I know, and something that I want to expose more and share."

"Even if you are hogtied."

"That never happened... last summer?"

"Of course."

2011-03-15T07:37:00.004-05:00

Do you want to understand or do you want peace?

accepting without understanding brings peace.

Forgiveness brings understanding.

Lanvin is committed to commitment.

2011-03-11T06:11:00.010-06:00

"There has to be some kind of commitment don't you think?"

"To what?"

"To some aspect of a relationship."

"What part?"

"What do you mean?"

"What part of the relationship?"

"Some part."

"Sex?"

"Commitment somewhere. In my life for many years I wasn't doing it in any part, because that is when you are most visible, most vulnerable. You can't just dedicate yourself to an aspect of a relationship without thinking you are going to be powerless."

"Why do you keep saying aspect, as if you are suppose to be dedicated to an aspect rather than the whole relationship?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"You can't."

"Right of course."

"There is no 'all of the above' But I discovered that you can commit yourself to something. You can really commit yourself to something that you are attracted to and the relationship could work from your side."

"Not sure what you are talking about."

"You are sure."

"No."

"We spend relationships trying to pretend we are connected to everything the person likes when our actions tell them otherwise."

"That is sacrifice because we want to have sex...tonight."

"Huh? No, that's buying time before the so called union hits a malaise of corrosion and resentment."

"Well I consider that as an exit sign to a new relationship."

"I'm sure you do. But you got one thing right."

"What?"

"Trying to connect to a person's everything---even though, they don't know what they want either, will send us all running for the exits unless, of course we are using that relationship to abuse ourself. But if we really commit to something. Something that doesn't hinge on if they are going to stay or go. Something that they are bringing that is perfect in our mind for commitment and we decide to do it, because it really grabs us. It really means something to us. Then they have to follow with their own because they see our intensity and they know that you found something in them to commit to, and they will also find something."

"Why even do this?"

"Because you want something real, right? You are tired of the exit ramp. You want a cause to dedicate yourself to. You want to be vulnerable for moment, you want intensity and you want it to come from peace instead of angst."

"You got me runnin' You think I'm a runner?"

"Do I?"

"Like I'm avoiding a spotlight or something. I'm a fugitive."

"Yeah."

"A fugitive who likes Apple fritters."

"Eating at this half star restaurant for four years proves that you can be committed."

"Four years of listening to you thinking that we will eventually sleep together is a better indicator."

"Of course."

"Yes of course."

i know

2011-03-10T07:26:00.005-06:00

you feel you have the answer already

In the museum you are addressing the wall

the lighting

the frame

'it's gilded' you say.

You tell me 'it's fake. it's trying to trick us.'

your adamant.

i know

but I don't need to listen.

i need to see.

not the wall

the lighting

but right into the painting

the answers are in there.

all the answers.

So quiet.

2011-03-09T08:39:00.004-06:00

no meetings to remunerate

no thank you

no remuneration

once love gets free of conception and then out through the finger tips

once it just gets out an pours onto someone

it will start agitating and be a misunderstanding

it is so direct and very quiet

so quiet

no announcements needed

no need to discuss

out through your movements

drawing the huddle closer to feeling its ancient voice.

2011-03-05T19:21:00.001-06:00

"The question is 'What do we yearn for so deeply?' And the answer doesn't come in the form we may expect. The answer is 'We yearn deeply for an infinite, absolute communion with Love itself' The experience we seek that will ultimately satiate all our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual hunger is and always will be, to know ourselves as whole, integrated Infinite Beings. We cannot ever know real safety, real peace, real security, real love, or real joy until we acknowledge and willingly initiate this journey to wholeness."

Tired of being something.

2011-03-04T18:00:00.004-06:00

i am quiet

it is quiet.

my breath not a factor

i am also mingling soft in the crowd

I am not a dissonant anymore

peaceful and focused

but who cares

it doesn't even matter what i am

i desire where effort isn't required

saying it means nothing

tired of being something.